Chapter 2: You'll never see it coming coz you're blinded from the start ...

Music by: Aaliyah- I Miss You
The Braxtons- Only Love

I walked into the Bad Boy productions, expecting it to be chaotic, because there were three videos scheduled for a shoot that day, a record executives meeting, and a press junket for Diddy's project with MTV called "Making the Band".Imagine my surprise when i walked in the lobby and saw the place deserted.Even the receptionist was not in her usual place.

"Ehem!"I cleared my throat. "Hello...guys...yoohoo!"

I made my way towards the recording area. No one was there.

I went up to the offices. No one was there.

And then i heard sounds coming from the rehearsal room.

It was slightly familiar.

I couldnt hear human voices, only the sounds coming from the stereo.

I opened the door and saw a man who had his back turned to me.

He was tall. He looked like he just came from the hip hop video shoot.

But why was he alone?Where's the staff?

"Uhmm...excuse me Sir...

"He turned and smiled at me. "I've been waiting for you for the longest time."

I couldnt recognize him...but i felt this tug at my heart.

He had a bouquet of roses with him, he came close to me and whispered."I missed you princess!"

Princess!Only one person called me by that name...and we've been apart for so long.

I smelled the roses, smiled and gazed up at him.It was him!My baby boi!

"Blade...Blade...hunny...wake up...we need to go..."

Oh shit!It was all a dream!Here i was still in my dressing room, still holding on to that picture and still far away from him.

It was Kirsten, my personal assistant, housemate, high school buddy and confidante.Apparently still in a daze, i nodded at her and sat up.

"So where do you want to go?Its still early, D is going to a club with Jin and his posse...want to come along with them?I shook my head."Im too pooped Kirst!Lets just go home!"

"Okay!" she answered."Let me just fix up your stuff first then lets go ahead of the pack."

Usually, I would stand up and help her fix up my stuff. It was my stuff anyway, and she wasnt just my assistant, she was a friend, but it was different this time, I just sat on the couch and watched her gather my things.

"You know i'm always here to listen Jill."she said.

I looked up at her."Huh?"

She looked at me knowingly.

I smiled at her. Next to my baby boi, she's the only one who knows whats going through my mind even before i could speak up.I looked at the open door, scared that someone may overhear us.

"Not here silly!I know you're tired, so lets just talk about all this at home over a cup of coffee and blueberry cheesecake."

Kirsten said."Angela's coming home tonight."Like a child on christmas day being given her christmas present, I immediately stood up and fixed myself up before following Kirsten outside.

Nothing could perk me up other than an old fashioned bonding time with my friends over food.

I rarely had time for those, and i dont care if i have an early appointment tomorrow, im going to enjoy my time with friends.

Unknown to the crew, we walked away from the studio and headed home.

"Alright girl!We're complete now!We're away from the work area where you transform from simple, plain Jill to Rap princess Blade.Spill!" Kirsten said once we walked in the house we shared with another friend, Angela.

I sighed...then took out our picture.They both looked at me and sighed.

"Not again!" they both said.

They were nudging each other and whispering something about doing it for my own good.

What were this two up two?

I called their attention"Uh hello!Girls!Im still here!"

Both of them looked at me apologetically. Kirsten moved her chair closer to me.

"Jill...we understand how you're holding on to his memory...but dont you think its been too long...maybe you should just give up.It isnt only holding you back from your personal and emotional growth, but its also affecting your career."

Angela moved closer to me too. "Jill...we know how special he is to you...but he's not here.You dont even know where he is right now. We think its about time you moved on.We're not saying you should dispose of that picture or throw out that box of letters you have under your bed, but let it not affect everything you do."

"Oh Jill!Dont cry...we're sorry if we hurt your feelings..."

I held up my hand to make her stop."Its okay!Im not crying because you hurt me, im crying because finally im accepting the truth that we're too far away from each other now.Besides everything you said was true.It is holding me back."

I sighed in resignation.

"And who knows, he may be just around but with three wives and seven kids."

They smiled gently at me and squeezed my hand.

I have to face it.His memory is not an inspiration anymore, its a hindrance. I've been trying to push back the Asian tour just because i was scared that i might run into him there with a girl or by the time we left for the tour, he was scheduled to be back in New York. I was scared to do some racy scenes in my videos because he might be watching and get disappointed with me.I've been scared to ask how the next door neighbors were to my parents, because i was scared to learn what he was up to.I also was scared that my parents might say he moved back in with his parents, and i dont know what i might do if i learn he's there.I might forget everything and just move back there.The last time i asked them about him, they said he was shuttling between New York and Asia because of a business he was doing with his cousins while attending medical school in New York, and that was five years ago.I've done the rounds of New York and i still havent bumped into him,I've hung out in Chinatown and i still didnt see him there.I didnt want to entertain other guys because i was still hoping that when we meet, he's still a single guy who's pining for me.I've been thinking about a lot of things concerning him and i wasnt even sure where he was or how he is.It was like dealing with an imaginary friend.My own Mr.Snuffleapagus!

Who am i kidding anyway?

I can't just waste away like this.I have a great career ahead of me, great friends and, modesty aside, a bevy of admirers who choose to stay in the sidelines until i finally give them a chance.

"What do you say guys?Should i start dating again?" I asked my two friends.

Kirsten rolled her eyes and Angela sighed.

"Whaaaaaat?"I asked.

"Again??? Tell me Jill when did you ever go on a date since he left huh?"Kirsten said.

Kirsten was one of my friends who witnessed that heartbreaking parting scene at Newport Beach almost 8 years ago. She had just moved from Canada that time, and was getting to know the group.Some say she was my baby boi's replacement as my best friend.I refuse to agree though, they're both my best friends and they have different roles in my life.

"Hey i go out with guys!"I protested.

"Yeah, but you insist you just hang out!"Kirsten replied. "Even though sometimes that hang out ends with a kiss on the cheek or more than that!"

"Hey!I complained!Im a good girl!I dont fool around!"I protested.

"Didnt say anything about fooling around.All i said was it's more than just a kiss."Kirsten answered.

That silenced me.

Despite the sexy clothes, racy lyrics and mature image, i have never gone way beyond a kiss.Nothing below the chin!

"So what ya say?"Kirsten asked."The night is still young, you dont even care if you're going to be needed early tomorrow, shall we paint the town red now?"

I smiled at them."The heck with childhood sweethearts!Im going clubbing!"

***

I couldnt tear my eyes away from the picture. She looked so grown up.His eyes lingered on the plunging V-necked jersey she had on. It wasnt really something that outlined her figure since it looked like it was one size bigger than her original size, but you could tell that over the years she had filled up in just the right places.Her denim jeans fit her legs well and he couldnt help but smile when he looked at her sneakers.

"Damn!Those sneakers are still alive!" he said to himself. She looked like she gained some weight, but it doesnt matter. She looked like a sexy rap goddess, very much different from the scrawny girl next door she was several years back.

My readings were interrupted by the noise of the staff in the next room.I knocked on the wall.

"Hey guys!Im trying to get some rest here!"I shouted. I hate calling their attention. As much as possible I didnt want to order them around. The group usually left that up to the big bosses of Machi Entertainment, but at times like these where I could snatch some alone time from the busy schedule, I couldnt help but call on them.

I praised the high heavens when we landed in Singapore and Joan told me the press conference was moved to the next day before we left.That left me with a couple of hours free time until the autograph signing started after lunch.I quickly retreated to my room, ignoring Nicky's invitation to Boon Tong Kee, and Edward challenging me to a game of NBA Live.I had not been able to read the whole magazine last night sinceI had to catch some sleep before heading off to the airport.

I went back to looking at her pictures.She looked very different from the girl he fell in love with several years ago.it made him think if it was only her looks that changed, hoping that her new found fame didnt affect her personality.

"I know I didn't" he said."I hope she didn't too."

I know im still the same person I was before Machi was born, only now Im more confident about myself, but still far away from being conceited. I hope she didn't get too much air in her head, I knew she hated those airheads back in junior high and swore to herself that no matter how popular she got when she got older, she wouldn't let all the fame get to her head.

My eyes landed on the part of the article which answered my questions.

Cosmo: So, how has fame changed you?

Blade: I don't think it really changed me.Im still the same person I was before all this craziness happened. I still live in the same house I stayed in when i was starting, I still live with my friends from California. I still worry about my laundry and the bills, this time though, I can always hire someone to do my chores for me and i dont have to wait for my next paycheck to pay all of my bills. I dont really want myself to be affected by all these, I know its not permanent and I know I have to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground.

Cosmo: So we won't be expecting any staff member of yours complaining of their boss ego-tripping or throwing a tantrum?

Blade: (laughs)No, none of that for me.

Cosmo: How do you keep yourself grounded? It's not an easy task especially when you're around all these famous people.

Blade: You mean with Sean being my manager?(laughs)

Cosmo: Well yeah, it's hard to keep a low profile when Diddy is around you, don't you think?Blade: Oh yeah!!!It's hard...and you really have to try hard to not let all the craziness get to you. If i had, I'd probably be living in the same building with him right now and have a handfull of cars around me.(chuckles) But as I said all this is temporary, so when I'm not at work, I avoid hanging out at all these high end places. I'd rather stay at home and chill out with my friends.Catch up on my parents lives in California....

I sighed. She had a good head on her shoulders then, and he was glad that up to now it was still at the same place. My eyes veered away from the article, and went to the behind the scenes pictures from the interview.

"I didn't know you read Cosmo now."
I looked up from the article i was reading and saw Vanness seated at the foot of my bed.My eyes bulged at the sight of him.

"Surprise!!!"he hollered and laughed liked a maniac.

"Holy shit!" I jumped from the bed to the floor and gave him a hug."What are you doing here man?"

"Oh I just happened to be in Singapore and saw your crew outside the hotel"he joked. "Im supporting you you dimwit!"he hollered as he pat my head and messed up my hair.

"Dude! The hair!"I complained.

"Oh c'mon!You always wear the Machi cap anyways!"Vanness answered.

"Fine!But hey, arent you supposed to be somewhere, for a Pepsi Event!"I asked.

"Tssss!That can always wait!"Vanness mumbled.

I snorted and rolled my eyes at him "Yeah right!As if Cai Jie would let you!"

"Well, I just had to grovel for her to let me go here at least until the show ends, then I'll fly to Hong Kong after this."he confessed.

I smiled at him."Thanks dude!You don't know how much i appreciate this gesture"

"No problem man!"Vanness pat my back, sat down on the bed and reached out for the magazine."But you still didn't answer me...why do you have Cosmo with you and not FHM?Does that also explain the unnoticed wads of paper in a box outside with girls numbers outside?"

"There is?" I asked, then my thoughts went back to that paper with a girls number given to me yesterday. After Joan gave me the magazine, I dont know where I placed the paper.Oh well, my apologies to whatever her name is.

He chuckled, "Yeah man, and if you're not fast enough, Nicky is looking at it like its Thanksgiving day dinner. He's about to devour it all."

"Oh let him. I'm not interested anyway."I said.

Vanness looked at me knowingly."Now I know why you have Cosmo" he shook his head. "Whoa!I can't believe this is Jill already! She's damn hot!"

"Hey, that girl is mine!"I protested.

"Yeah, before, you don't know who she's with now."Vanness answered."I heard she's going out with DMX"

"Going out! The operative word man!"I explained. "She didn't say dating, she didn't say exclusive, she just said going out. Believe me, I read the article.

He laughed at me. If I didn't love this guy to bits, I'd probably be strangling him to death right now.

"Dude! Haven't you learned from me or from any rumored showbiz couple. It's a showbiz answer. Look at me and Vivian, two years man and all we say is going out. It's crazy dude!" he explained. "Who dates around but wears similar necklaces huh?" He flashed the V necklace at me."Who gets caught driving his girlfriends car and just says were just friends and were just going out."He raised his hand."But hey, we consider ourselves exclusive yet we still claim to be going out."I knew what his point was. and i pity him.I knew he wanted to get it all out in the open, for he was tired of lying to the public already.He knew people didnt believe them anymore but they continue doing so.He was probably thinking i didnt get the message."Dude, for all you know he and DMX may be secretly married already.Can you do me a favor,Kenny?"he asked me.

"What?"I asked

"You're one hot commodity right now!Get out there, date around, dont just sulk here."

"But dude...what if all the DMX press is just a publicity stunt?What if she really is still single?"I asked him.

"Dude, you're continents away...and she might not remember you anymore...whats the point of holding on when there's nothing to hold on to"he reasoned out.Our conversation was interrupted when Nicky walked in.
"Dude are you sure you dont want this anymore, you crazy man!"Nicky asked me as he held the wads of paper in his hand.Vanness looked at me, i just shrugged.

I closed the magazine."Its yours bro!I have someone better in mind.Besides, i pity the fan who im going to call.She might be harassed by the other fans"I said seriously as i walked to the restroom, magazine in hand."And who is that, may i ask?"Nicky asked.

"im doing MTV later, who do you think?"I said before i closed the door.I couldnt help but laugh when i heard howls after it registered to them who i was referring to.The same VJ who in an interview with Vanness told him off the record that she thought i was hot.
I went back to reading the magazine in peace.
Cosmo: Are the rumors between you and DMX true?

Blade: DMX and i are very good friends.He's like a brother to me, and i wouldnt deny that we go out whenever my schedule permits, but i wouldnt call it a date because we're always with his friends or my friends.Its more like a posse hanging out.

Cosmo: And that means you're single right now?

Blade: (laughs)Very much!I dont think a boyfriend will fit in the equation right now.It will be just unfair to him because i wouldnt be able to spend so much time with him.

Cosmo:But what if someone enters your life, and makes you rethink what you had just said?Blade: Well, we'll cross the bridge when we get there.Right now, im married to my career and im abstaining from dating as of the moment.
Gosh!I hope all these is true Jill!I hope you're not just fooling your fans.

"Dude!"Nicky howled."The VJ's here already!They're having lunch with us!""Yeah man!Get out of there now."Vanness followed up."Five minutes!"I mumbled.Then i heard the door open and footsteps going the rest rooms way."Hey Kenny!We got to go for lunch already"Jeff hollered.
I rolled my eyes.Those two probably squealed on Jeff and scripted the perfect technique to make me go out of seclusion.Placing the magazine on the bathroom magazine rack, I fixed myself up and followed them down to the hotel dining area.
Jeffrey approached Denise and introduced me."VJ Denise, Kenny Chou.Kenny, this is VJ Denise of MTV"She held out her hand and shaked mine.She smiled at me , made small talk then excused herself to join her staff. I did the same thing.When i got to our table, Vanness and Nicky were snickering at me."Dude!You're getting rusty!"Vanness teased me."Sorry man, its been a while."i replied.
Yeah been a while.I havent been flirting with girls in the past six months.After my breakup with my last girlfriend, i just didnt know if i wanted to get myself involved for the time being.It was just causing me to get involved in tabloid rumors.At least now, things have been quiet and no tabloid reporter or paparazzi was hounding me.I think they got bored of me.i dont know if that was good or bad though.Jeff says its bad, but thats the cheeky side of him talking.Joan says its good.Less headache for the management.
Stanley pointed towards Denise table, and looked back at them.She saw me and smiled at me.I smiled sexily at her and winked, then went back to eating.
Vanness was right.Theres nothing to hold on to.I know she exists, but does she know im still around.I should stop thinking about her when there are a lot of girls at my beck and call
Including the veejay.
Finally!Im getting back into the game!